Unscripted Insights: Discovering Myself through Acting

As I delve deeper into the world of acting, I have come to appreciate its reflection of the complexities of real life. Acting is not merely about pretending to be someone else; it is an art form that seeks to understand and express the human condition. This journal captures my journey through an eight-week acting class, documenting the profound insights and personal growth I experienced.

Our first film study was Pixar’s Inside Out, which personifies emotions to explore a young girl’s response to life changes. The film demonstrates that all emotions, even those perceived as negative, play valuable roles in our lives. Discussing this film and sharing our moments of joy, we discovered how these moments can be layered with other emotions, enriching the narrative. The conversation also highlighted the diverse ways we express happiness, from sparkling eyes to wistful voices. We, as humans, experience a spectrum of emotions, and it’s okay to embrace them, even when they are messy. This initial part of the class illuminated the complex and intricate ways simple emotions like joy can enhance a character’s depth.

Next, we engaged our imaginations with the Zombie game, which involved mimicking and creatively interpreting our versions of zombies. This exercise warmed us up and stretched our imaginations, preparing us for more complex scenarios. We then participated in an imaginary walk exercise. Unlike the previous week, I intentionally slowed my pace to create a complete and continuous sensory experience. This greatly helped me immerse myself in my imagination, a direct result of what I had learned from the previous week’s orange-eating exercise. We were then asked to reenact our shower routine, but with a twist — a creature emerging from the drain. I momentarily froze, partly because I didn’t fully believe in the scenario and partly because my imagination was still catching up with the director’s cues. Nevertheless, the ability to modulate your intensity and reaction based on what you imagine (cockroaches vs. a snake crawling out of the drain) is a powerful tool for actors. Playing with altered realities piques my curiosity about where this will take me as both an actor and a human being.

While sensory work helps actors achieve their desired emotional state, relaxation is crucial in releasing tension accumulated from multiple performances. It helps us reset and overcome judgmental mindsets. Practices like audible exhales, mindfulness, and full-body stretches are not just about physical relief but also about shedding inhibitions and biases. Despite initial reservations due to Thai cultural norms, I have come to appreciate the benefits of such practices. Relaxation and grounding not only prevent emotional spillover but also help me let go of judgment and embarrassment, fostering a mindset that views vulnerability as a strength.

Our improvisation exercises challenged us to embody roles spontaneously without judgment. Unlike last week, we paired up to improvise as opposites — one lover and one hater — without knowing which roles we would play. The exercise began with us uttering random numbers, and at a cue from our instructor, Yoly, we switched to verbal storytelling. This transition was helpful, but a memorable mishap occurred when I misunderstood my role during a heated scene, thinking my partner was playing the daughter rather than my wife. This mistake was both embarrassing and cringe-worthy, yet it taught me a valuable lesson in active listening and the importance of being present and responsive.

Realizing I needed to improve my listening skills, I challenged myself to truly listen during our last group improvisation. Yet, I found myself paralyzed, silently listening instead of participating for three full minutes. This wasn’t active listening; rather, I was preoccupied with planning my response, contemplating how to challenge the authority of the master as a gardener. In hindsight, I see that jumping in, even at the risk of making a mistake, could have enriched the story. This experience taught me that although some anticipation is inevitable, maintaining complete presence and attunement with my group is essential. Improvisation has always been challenging for me, creating a sense of dread, but it remains a fertile ground for personal growth.

Reviewing my improvisations was uncomfortable yet enlightening. I often paused the recording to process my feelings and judgments. It felt vulnerable, but it also offered a great learning opportunity. For instance, when I slipped into Tinglish (mixing Thai and English) while improvising as a gardener, I initially judged myself harshly. However, embracing this aspect could have made for an intriguing performance. Thais are generally a conformist society, and growing up different has not helped me fit into stereotypes. Even though I accept who I am, I continue to learn how to embrace my authentic self, questioning whether to conform to existing stereotypes or push for more inclusivity in the Thai film industry.

As I document my acting experiences, I realize that this art form is a powerful medium for personal development and societal reflection. Just as the orange-eating exercise revealed flaws in my imagination, improvisation exercises have shown me the importance of active listening, letting go of judgment, and embracing vulnerability. Although I currently feel lost, there is comfort in knowing that confidence will come with practice. The person I aspire to be lies on the other side of fear, and I must trust the process.